Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Feeling Deflated.. but hopeful

Today I weighed myself. I knew it wasn't going to be good. I haven't been following a good eat/exercise routine lately and I had a feeling my weight had creeped back up. And I was right.

It's sad how it is a cycle. Do good for a while, feeling refreshed and focused.. then you think "oh I can have this cheat".. then one cheat becomes two, becomes a week or two or more of cheats.  It all adds up.  Then you step on the scale and beat yourself up for giving in.... which sometimes leads me to cheat more because I'm an emotional eater.  Which just makes it worst.  Then I beat myself up and feel horrible about where I am now... back at square one.  Will the cycle ever end? I'm afraid it wont...  at least not for me.  I think food will be my struggle forever.  And maybe the only way to work on the cycle is to first admit to the problem.  So like a recovering alcoholic I have to admit that I am powerless to my addiction and step 2 - that I need help from a greater power (GOD - JESUS CHRIST) .

April 2006

Some history. In April of 2006, I moved back to Georgia from NC.. at 165lbs. I was not happy with myself or how I looked. Over the course of a year, I took up running and working out at the gym. I got down to 135 by the following April .
What a difference a year makes.

April 2007


Well after I met my husband, I gained a little but I didn't regain much weight until I had my babies.  I got as high as 210 while pregnant.  With my first, I was back down to 155 pretty quickly.  But with my second I struggled more.  At the start of this year (2014) I weighed in at 185. 

I don't have many pictures from earlier this year.  When you don't like how you look, you hide from the camera.. or you place your babies in front of you so you cannot see yourself (as I did here).
Well I started reading a book called Made to Crave and I started Advocare in January.  I wasn't exercising much as I didn't want to burn myself out at once.  From January 2014 to April 2014, I dropped 20 lbs. Yay! 


I do not want to share these photos of myself... but my hope is it will help someone else struggling like I am.  You can see the difference between Jan 4th and April 3.  I wore the same clothes and stood in the same place at my house so it would be as accurate as possible. 

Sadly.. I haven't lost much since then.  I did get down to 159 but I am today back up to 164.5. I have added more exercise since April.  I now workout at a gym at least twice a week.  But I am not seeing much difference these days. 

In honesty, since the start of June I have been cheating... and that is the reason why I have not lost any more and I have gained back some weight. That cycle I was talking about earlier.  I am in it. As a whole from 2006 to now and in a mini cycle since April 2014. 

I actually ran to Joe's (my trainer's gym) yesterday.  In the 90 degree heat.  Crazy yes.. especially since I haven't run since January.. and I didn't run much in January.  I then participated in boot camp for an hour.  I burned over 800 calories (which is awesome) but my face was red well into the evening because I was overheated.  It was stupid.  I need to burn more calories but I don't need to have a heat stroke. 

I want to live a long healthy life for my children.  I want to watch them grow old and have babies.  I don't want to battle this constant cycle of my weight. 

In the Made to Crave devotion book yesterday I read about how Satan tempts us in three ways.  Lets investigate this together.
Gen 3:6 "When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good food (physical craving) and pleasing to the eye (material craving) and also desirable for gaining wisdom (significance craving) she took some and ate it. "
She saw it, she wanted it, she bought the lie. She took it and she suffered for it.
How often do you give into a physical craving.. (physical needs for food)
How often do you give into a material craving (the splendor of the world)
How often do you give into a significance craving.. (the lure of doing something to look good, feel good, feel powerful and be elevated in the eyes of others)
but all of these need to come from the WILL of GOD.. not from our own desires.
God made us to crave... to crave HIM, not food, or alcohol or sex or whatever addiction you may have.  Mine is food.. plain and simple.  God made us to crave HIM.. and anytime we put something in place of HIM... it's an idol.  I have to admit I am powerless to my sin (my addiction) my idol.. and I need JESUS to help me restore sanity back into my life. 
I hope you join me for God's mission to restore sanity back to my life.  One step at a time.  

1 comment:

Rachel said...

Just remember- you see the area you are struggling with and trying to make changes. If you were still sitting around- then you could be mad- but you are doing more and eating better- I know because there is never any snacks in your house! You are doing a great job- don't fall into Satan's trap of beating yourself up for not being good enough- or small enough- or consistent enough. You are enough- but even better God is more than enough for you. Love you girl!