Friday, August 22, 2014

Confession time...

I know everyone has struggles and I know most people have different struggles.. but another one I deal with on almost a daily basis is paranoia.  I am constantly fighting myself and struggling with paranoia.  Does anyone else deal with this? 

It is amazing to me how much it affects my daily life, my marriage, my friendships, and relationships with acquaintances.  Because I struggle with it so much, I try really hard to give people the benefit of the doubt, but I know I have this HUGE struggle.. so I know they probably don't have it all together either, so it softens my heart towards others.  Sometimes my paranoia are valued, but most of the time they are factors of my imagination.

So where does this paranoia come from one might ask?  I am honestly not really sure.  I could come when I get a different look from someone, a text, a "like" or non "like" on Facebook, a comment posted, a non reply to an email/text... it amazing how I am having to constantly fight it.  It is an inward battle ragging in my heart/mind.  Today, it is worst than most days.... so what do I do now? How can I fight this inward battle?

Obviously this is a SIN that I struggle with and I need Jesus to help me.  There is no magically fix.  Maybe I need therapy who knows really... But deep down I know this is one of my sins.  I am turning into myself... giving into fears - "oh they don't love/like me", "I'll never be good enough", etc etc.

Let's see what God says in His Word:

Philippians 4:6-7          
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.
Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”
There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.
For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, “Abba! Father!”

So we are to not be anxious, or live in fear, and trust in the Lord... I guess that is the most important part. To TRUST in the LORD!!! Why is that so hard?  It is amazing how often we don't trust in the Lord yet ourselves and we find ourselves mixed in the muck of our sin. 

I am praying for God to help me TRUST in Him.. and not myself or ways of this world.. I hope you can seek God to help you with your sins too.  We all need some Jesus!

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Feeling Deflated.. but hopeful

Today I weighed myself. I knew it wasn't going to be good. I haven't been following a good eat/exercise routine lately and I had a feeling my weight had creeped back up. And I was right.

It's sad how it is a cycle. Do good for a while, feeling refreshed and focused.. then you think "oh I can have this cheat".. then one cheat becomes two, becomes a week or two or more of cheats.  It all adds up.  Then you step on the scale and beat yourself up for giving in.... which sometimes leads me to cheat more because I'm an emotional eater.  Which just makes it worst.  Then I beat myself up and feel horrible about where I am now... back at square one.  Will the cycle ever end? I'm afraid it wont...  at least not for me.  I think food will be my struggle forever.  And maybe the only way to work on the cycle is to first admit to the problem.  So like a recovering alcoholic I have to admit that I am powerless to my addiction and step 2 - that I need help from a greater power (GOD - JESUS CHRIST) .

April 2006

Some history. In April of 2006, I moved back to Georgia from NC.. at 165lbs. I was not happy with myself or how I looked. Over the course of a year, I took up running and working out at the gym. I got down to 135 by the following April .
What a difference a year makes.

April 2007


Well after I met my husband, I gained a little but I didn't regain much weight until I had my babies.  I got as high as 210 while pregnant.  With my first, I was back down to 155 pretty quickly.  But with my second I struggled more.  At the start of this year (2014) I weighed in at 185. 

I don't have many pictures from earlier this year.  When you don't like how you look, you hide from the camera.. or you place your babies in front of you so you cannot see yourself (as I did here).
Well I started reading a book called Made to Crave and I started Advocare in January.  I wasn't exercising much as I didn't want to burn myself out at once.  From January 2014 to April 2014, I dropped 20 lbs. Yay! 


I do not want to share these photos of myself... but my hope is it will help someone else struggling like I am.  You can see the difference between Jan 4th and April 3.  I wore the same clothes and stood in the same place at my house so it would be as accurate as possible. 

Sadly.. I haven't lost much since then.  I did get down to 159 but I am today back up to 164.5. I have added more exercise since April.  I now workout at a gym at least twice a week.  But I am not seeing much difference these days. 

In honesty, since the start of June I have been cheating... and that is the reason why I have not lost any more and I have gained back some weight. That cycle I was talking about earlier.  I am in it. As a whole from 2006 to now and in a mini cycle since April 2014. 

I actually ran to Joe's (my trainer's gym) yesterday.  In the 90 degree heat.  Crazy yes.. especially since I haven't run since January.. and I didn't run much in January.  I then participated in boot camp for an hour.  I burned over 800 calories (which is awesome) but my face was red well into the evening because I was overheated.  It was stupid.  I need to burn more calories but I don't need to have a heat stroke. 

I want to live a long healthy life for my children.  I want to watch them grow old and have babies.  I don't want to battle this constant cycle of my weight. 

In the Made to Crave devotion book yesterday I read about how Satan tempts us in three ways.  Lets investigate this together.
Gen 3:6 "When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good food (physical craving) and pleasing to the eye (material craving) and also desirable for gaining wisdom (significance craving) she took some and ate it. "
She saw it, she wanted it, she bought the lie. She took it and she suffered for it.
How often do you give into a physical craving.. (physical needs for food)
How often do you give into a material craving (the splendor of the world)
How often do you give into a significance craving.. (the lure of doing something to look good, feel good, feel powerful and be elevated in the eyes of others)
but all of these need to come from the WILL of GOD.. not from our own desires.
God made us to crave... to crave HIM, not food, or alcohol or sex or whatever addiction you may have.  Mine is food.. plain and simple.  God made us to crave HIM.. and anytime we put something in place of HIM... it's an idol.  I have to admit I am powerless to my sin (my addiction) my idol.. and I need JESUS to help me restore sanity back into my life. 
I hope you join me for God's mission to restore sanity back to my life.  One step at a time.  

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

a year and half later

Hey world.. how has life been?
Well alot has changed for me since we last talked:
  • I got pregnant with my second child... and had a boy named Winn on Oct 9, 2012. 
He is my precious baby boy.. I don't know what it is but he loves his mama too.  Don't get me wrong, I love Hayleigh but she loves her daddy differently than she loves me and I guess it's ok, since I have Winn.  He is so sweet when he says "I love you mama"  And he runs and hugs you.  Melt my heart.

 Here we are at his first Christmas.. he was a little older than 2 months.. 

 This was Winn before he was baptized.  He is wearing the same gown his cousin Canon wore.  Just look at that sweet face.

Here are Winn and Hayleigh at Winn's first birthday party.  She looks so grown and he has the sweetest toothless grin. 

Many days I sit here and think how in the world could I have such sweet babies.

We are so blessed

  • I started a new job in April 2013 and have since resigned in July 2014 with Truth Be Told Art.
Truth Be Told Art is an amazing company and I loved working for them.  It was several of my passions rolled into one... my love for Jesus.. for art and for women.  But after being away from my children at dinner time and most weekend Saturdays, with God's nuge I realized it was time to end that era of my life.  So I am not teaching art with TBTA anymore.. but if you live in Georgia or South Carolina, we have artist in your area and you can still have a paint party!
  • I went on my first ever mission trip overseas... to Haiti with a high school best friend in June 2014. 

We did a lot of things the week we were there. 
-Visited two orphanges: House of Hope and New Hope. 
- Visited two churches
- Visited a deaf community
- Worked at a school - Remax for 3 days
- Attended a graduation

  • I have lost 20 pounds from Jan 2014 to April 2014
  • I have started singing in the praise band at church in July 2014
  • I have started back full time at State Farm - which is why I will be blogging again..  
So lots more to share.. and even more about these fun and exciting things.
to be continued

Friday, July 6, 2012

Lots of catching up...

I definitely have blog failure.. though honestly I'm not sure anyone reads it anymore either, but either way, I need to update.  So much has happen since my last post...
We put in 120 plants making a new flower bed in our backyard under some oak trees were we could not get any grass to grow. 

We shuffled our house around so that we could have our carpets removed and hardwood floors installed.. (Well we removed the carpet.. )

Here is Hayleigh playing on our bed in the foyer.

Here is our den, with all the furniture protected as we move out for 2 weeks to have the floors done.  It's been over 1.5 weeks now and I think we'll be out a little longer than originally hoped.

Here is a picture of the floor.  You can see the original stain on the top half and the stain we are using is directly below it.  We are trying to match it as best we can.  I think it looks pretty close to me! (the two bottom stains are not what we are using.) but you can see the new wood floor that has been laid down and transitions into Hayleigh's future room!

Paul ran the Peachtree.. and we got to see our Atlanta friends.  Hayleigh hung out with Davis (her future husband) seen below.  They had a great time playing together.

They would crawl into the dog's pen and Hayleigh would say "night - night".

We went to the beach, just our little family one week while we are out of the house.  Hayleigh really got into playing on the beach this time.  More so than she did when we went in May with Paul's family. 

She has also really started walking good.  Started around the end of May, but now she definitely walks more than she crawls.  It's the cutest walk.  Here is a video of her walking back in earlier June.

I am 26 weeks and 1 day today.. still feeling sick from time to time, but hanging in there.  I am just soooo ready to not be pregnant anymore.  But I know Winn needs a few more months to grow.  Yes, in case you haven't heard we are naming him Winfield James Hitchcock... nickname Winn.  Very excited!  I am to the point of struggling to sleep and it's so hot.. hot hot hot! 

This month is going to be busy too.. once the floors are done, we'll "move" back in.. clean and then Hayleigh's room needs to be painted.. then it's moving Hayleigh upstairs and fixing up the nursery for WINN! I still can't believe I'm 26 weeks.. I hope this last semester flies!

Have a great rest of your summer!!

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

When three become FOUR!!

I am almost 15 weeks and I must admit this pregnancy does feel faster than the first one.  Though I have been much sicker with this one than the last.  I'm secretly hoping "much sicker" means boy this time, but only time will tell. We actually find out next week... and I'm thrilled!  I am such a planner and I'm ready to know.  But then comes names.. and Paul and I are having disagreements on names.  He vetoes what I like and I veto his favorites.  Hope this kid becomes something other than Hitchcock baby#2.. ha!

Hayleigh is officially 13 months.. and is loving her new found freedom of crawling faster and talking constantly.  She also LOVES to eat! And I mean everything.  She especially loves lima beans, green beans, string cheese, grapes, and tender meats like pork and chicken.  She loves her daily school program and enjoys spending that time with new friends.  I am so happy she is happy there as it has made the transition into working alot easier.  Hayleigh isn't walking yet, but is pushing toys and walking holding onto things. I think she'll be crusin hands free within the next month.  We installed our baby gate on the stairs 3 days after she found the joy in crawling up them. 

At her year check-up, she was 28.5 inches tall and 19 lbs 1 oz.  Still fairly tall and thin.  We are wearing 18 month clothes for the length but having to pin most waist because she is a skinny mini.  She loves books, her cousins, her pink big girl chair which she gets in and out and in and out of... plus she got this cool Hippo tent for her birthday and it also has become a huge hit!Everything is da, da, da, da... I am trying to get her to say "da-de" for Paul so that it's different from all the other da, da, da, da.